I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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