The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
