I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
