If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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