No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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