Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
