I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
