I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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