Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
