i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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