Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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