I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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