This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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