the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
