Already got asked if we're dating
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
