You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
