What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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