i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
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