Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize