ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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