I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
