you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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