he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
