Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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