I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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