I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
