Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
