i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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