My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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