I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
