He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
