My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize