Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
