I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
