I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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