Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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