Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
