if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
