So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
