blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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