i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
