I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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