ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
