meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
