I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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