Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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