I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
