Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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