I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
