five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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