my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize