I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
