Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
