I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
