sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can't turn off my feet"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize