i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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