Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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