I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
wow bdsm is so cute
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
