The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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