How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
