How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
