I have demons in me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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