i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize